Disclaimer: The following is not to be construed as medical advice or as an approval to try ayahuasca. It is posted here as research into ayahuasca as well as the experiences associated with it.
Contributing Writer, In5D.com
I have been wanting to write an article for In5d ever since I discovered it. Most of the articles really resonated with me, as I’m sure they do you.
I’ve had profound and sacred experiences in 2018 that I feel called to share with you, one soul to another. My “awakening” began around age 22, I am now 26, and I can definitely say life has never been “the same”. I was really into fitness and did bikini competitions in my early 20’s. I had been in community college for 3 years prior with a 4.0, ready to apply for nursing school. Right after the last competition I did, I went into a deep depression because of an abusive relationship, among other dysfunctional relationships in my life. I stopped working out for awhile, stopped doing competitions, broke up with my boyfriend, quit school, and started listening to Alan Watts. Hours upon hours of listening to his lectures, one day lead me to the most clarifying moment of my life.
From then on, I meditated every single day, for hours at a time. Usually a yoga session came right after. I journeyed deeper into the body and found so many answers inside myself, I felt so many feelings I hadn’t in a very long time, and I felt exactly like the little girl I used to be. The film of emotions and reactions and thoughts from years and years, was seen through. I was in an ecstatic state. One that I felt at the time was just how “normal” people felt, and I must have been depressed for much longer than I even imagined. I slept better than I ever had, I craved healthy fresh foods, I did yoga/yoga trapeze and rode my bike everywhere I went, I started to paint for the first time since I was 16, my period became constant (I didn’t have much body fat and sometimes I would go a month without my period) and aligned with the full moon, I took deeper breaths, I reorganized the entire house, and most importantly I reexamined my relationships with those I am bonded with. I felt the need to straighten some things out, get it out in the open, process it, forgive one another if necessary, and move on into a new way of being. This is a process that is still in motion, each and every day. Alcoholism is present in my family, and it has been a battle for me to understand my emotions and those who are affected.
When I started listening to people like Alan Watts and Terence McKenna, I obviously got interested in psychedelics. I had never tried anything except for MDMA, and it was a really horrible experience for me because of the actions of others, but also something that I think aided in my awakening.
I decided I would try mushrooms first, McKenna style. I bought some from a trusted seller and decided to put them away until the time was right.
The night came when I felt ready. I decided to fast for 6 hours prior, and for someone with a very fast metabolism, this made the experience intense and almost instant. I was sitting in front of a body length mirror, gazing into my eyes, breathing deeply and feeling the mushroom begin working on me. I felt as though I could ask a question and get an answer, like I was seated before a very wise woman with kind eyes and an open heart. The questions the arose was “why do I hurt so bad?” , and the answer, which was not spoken in words, but actually felt, gave me the most respect and admiration for the deep feelings I have. I began to sob. For the first time I saw myself, the self. The words for this feeling are non-existent, as so many psychedelic experience explanations seem to be. I climbed into bed and felt one with everything. My brother was outside my room on this night, and I remember being able to specify which carpet fibers his feet were actually touching. I felt him, I was him. I sent him so much love. I couldn’t speak at this moment and I sure as hell didn’t want to move. I felt peace. The last thing I remember is heading down a tunnel in a vision, with unexplainable dancing dolls singing me through the tunnel.
That was my one and only intense mushroom experience. I micro dosed for the most part afterwards. I did have one more experience outside in the summer time, where I saw a bugs flutter leave ripples in the air and I watched a strawberry grow, with a pink glow around it. The mushroom mind is one that deserves much respect and gratitude.
I had been learning about ayahuasca and knew one day I would drink it. My plan was to go to the Amazon and pay for a retreat, not knowing any other way to attend a ceremony. I didn’t exactly know when I would go, but I knew I had to eventually. I went on a solo vacation to Thailand in January after finding a very cheap airplane ticket, and when I got back to the states, I went to see my Grandma who was sick with colon cancer. They said this was going to be the last time I saw her. I was there almost 2 weeks. It still hasn’t fully settled in. I miss her very much.
On the plane ride back from my Grandmas, I received a text message from a photographer I was friends with and had done some shoots with. He said he had a way to drink ayahuasca here in the states. In my state. I told him I was ready, and we made a plan to go together. He went before me, and everything he had to say about the experience only drew me in more. The person facilitating the ceremony gave me a call and we talked on the phone for about an hour. He made sure I was not on several types of medication, and he asked about my experience with meditation and sacred plants. I let him know I had experience and have learned as much as I possibly could about ayahuasca. I was ready.
The day before the ceremony was to begin, I fell seriously ill. I was in bed in a state I had never experienced before. I purged twice, slept for 15 hours, and felt better the next day. I felt as though I was visited by the spirit of ayahuasca before I even drank. After I regained my health, I had a clarity of mind I needed before entering the ceremony space.
I arrived at the studio at 3:45pm, on a Saturday. It was a cozy, warm, and calm space. I brought a vegan meal with me, along with some fresh fruits. (everyone was instructed a diet 2 weeks before the ceremony and light eating day of ceremony, with lots of water/herbal tea/coconut water.) The plan was to drink the medicine at 4 pm which and eat and talk as a group at 10pm, giving 6 hours to ayahuasca. I was nervous, unsure of what to expect, but so very grateful to be seated in a room with other explorers and soul searchers. I thought, we’re in this together.
We sat in a circle, and the facilitator said a few words. He acknowledged the voiceless, as he did every ceremony thereafter, the children and animals and plants, the innocent, Gaia, Mother Ayahuasca. Sometimes he read a poem by Rumi, which I always enjoyed. Then each person would go around and say there name, why they are there, and what their intentions are for this journey.
My first intention was gentleness. I wanted to meet ayahuasca, but like so many, I’ve heard the horror stories. I just wanted to test the waters. And then we drank. I was preparing for the worst taste, and the smell didn’t give me any relief. It’s doable and some actually enjoy it. We will just stick with that.
Everyone heads back to their space made up of pillows and blankets and gets comfortable. Some people put a mask over their eyes, as it is still light out. It is common to sit up for the first hour or so until the ayahuasca has begun working. So I sat. I started to feel it working, but not so much that I needed to lay down. I was still coherent. They gave me a little bit more with a few other people, and I remained seated. After about a half hour I laid back and my journey began. Ayahuasca was not only gentle with me my first time, she was orgasmically blissful. My entire body felt like it was involved in cosmic sex. I don’t think I stopped smiling the entire time. Since my first ceremony, I’ve attended 10 more. The places my soul has traveled still leaves me in disbelief. I remember a time I was at the height of the journey, with a beautiful scarf of purples and orange designs draped over my eyes, and as my eyelids fluttered against it, they transformed into butterflies. I was a creature, a creature of the entire universe. There was no “me” anymore, and that is the most authentic way of being to be experienced. To realize, HA, I’m one with it all. There is no other. This is all for play. What a beautiful, perfect, exhilarating, comically enlightening journey we are all on. The roars of laughter which seemed to stem from an unspoken feeling/ understanding in the entire room shook me to my core and brought every part of me to life with ripe clarity.
There was a moment at a ceremony I remember very well, as they all start to bleed together for me, and most I don’t remember at all, like a dream. This was the most “religious, holy” experience I have had to date. Four woman from the ages 25-65 sat side by side. The candle light formed sacred geometric patterns on the ceiling and everywhere it touched. I felt as though I was an angel, surrounded by angels. Coming from someone who has never contemplated the existence of angels in a real sense beforehand, there was no doubt in my mind that what I was, what we all were, was angels. In some part of our evolution as angelic beings. I had the thought, I don’t even know how I got here! And that is how the Universe works. You show up when you need to show up, somehow, someway, and when you look back, it will be an “of course I showed up”, kind of feeling, even if you can’t believe what is happening or going to happen in the moment.
I have experienced past life experiences after ayahuasca ceremonies. I was lying in bed afterward, and felt completely blissful, but also a bit strange. I had my bed against my window at this time, and turned around to look out. I was on my stomach, and lifted into sphinx pose, brining my arms to my sides and pushing my upper body up. At that moment, I was not myself. There was absolutely no recollection as to who I was, but I felt regal. I felt connected to the divine, and an image of a huge sphinx came into my mind.
Another experience that still comes into my day to day life, was the most influential and impacting one, which has actually led me to take a break from drinking the medicine. I was lying on the floor, and I had been feeling my heart being opened. I was trying to save myself from heart break, keeping it closed off and cobwebbed between me and certain people in my life. I felt myself open my own broken heart, and I then began to heal it. I remember clearly that I came here to heal. To this body. To this life. I wanted to come, and I knew that in that moment. ALL of it is worth it, it means SOMETHING, everything does.
After I lay there, feeling as though I just healed the brokenness inside, I felt completely free. I was ready for anything. And she took me. I blasted off into another dimension. A place I can kind of picture in my mind now. There was a lake, if I had to put a name on it. It was glowing a turquoise/sea foam color. There was a tent next to it, with smoke coming out of the top. Every element, the water, the smoke, the fire, all were identifiable, but oh so different than what we are used to here. It was malleable and I felt could be changed with intention.
I went inside the tent, and I remember feeling love wrap me up in a bundle of smokey blankets and perfection. There was a man there, and my vision traveled up his stomach and onto his face. He was sculpted beautifully, like a god. I knew that I had spent time here, that I came from here. That I would return. That I left and I was brave for doing so, for leaving my soul mate, for leaving a dreamscape that was more real than anything I had ever imagined. I didn’t want to leave, but a part of me knew I had to, and the fact that I was able to return was something that not many souls get the chance to do. I see this man in animals from day to day now.
My guardian angel, my soul mate, something inside of me knows that he misses me, but also is by my side each step of the way. Something that I asked him before coming back to this body, was “am I allowed to love someone else?” He responded with a loving smile and laugh, “Love as much as you can.” I can’t quite explain what it is like to astral travel and go into other lives, but it renews vitality and adds a sense of purpose to my current life. The people in it, those I am connected to, the places I go, the things I do, I’m much more aware, and can take a step back and come into my life from a place of understanding and opportunity. We are here, and that means something.
Sacred plants will come into your life when they are supposed to. If you have the chance to drink ayahuasca, make sure you are with trusted others. Do not drink if you feel the slightest uneasiness about your safety. Do not drink alone. You should feel 100% safe. Research the diet and follow it. Do not talk with others about your journey unless they ask about your experience and are coming from a place of non-judgement, especially if they have never drank the medicine themselves.
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