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Understanding A Narcissist Relationship

By on April 27, 2019 in Spiritual Awakening
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Understanding A Narcissist Relationship

My friend Misty Dawn wrote this last April & it is very interesting. Make a great deal of sense to me as I have known ladies over the years that have be stuck in these kind of 3D relationships. Unable to walk away. Trapped in a Paradigm of being Manipulated by a Partner. This kind of relationship can happen to the male influence or female influence.

~ Rosie Neal

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via Janet Sanders

Understanding A Narcissist Relationship

by Misty Dawn,
Contributing Writer,

Being in a relationship with a Narcissist is the equivalence of taking a trip to Fantasy Island. You land believing you know exactly what you want, and the fantasy is prepared to give you just that. As the show itself always provided twists and turns, as well as the illusion you created in your own mind, so too does the Narcissist in a matter of time reveal its illusion. Once the illusion is revealed, you then have to ask yourself were you more invested in the fantasy or the reality? Because just like Mr. Roarke is prepared to give you what you desire, so too is the Narcissist.

I have heard so much about this new word Narcissist being splashed all over social media, perpetuating victimization, and giving women even more to fear from men. It creates a divide of the battle of the sexes always waging, and I fear that in our wounded state of mind we loose the real message or lesson that is meant to liberate us. I believe that it is important to understand the red flags of destructive behavior. Yet what I think is missing in all of this sensationalism, is the co-creative responsibility of both the victim and the narcissist. Keep in mind, the word responsibility is not a shame tactic. Its a word of empowerment. Because only through taking responsibility of everything created in your life, recognizing yourself at your core, gives you the power to ask yourself what it is that you really want. The fantasy or the reality?

Narcissists aren’t born that way. They are conditioned to be what they are, as a result of a childhood, where being everything to all people was as means of survival. They were taught through such conditioning to avoid conflict, meant appeasing the needs of others at the expense of being dishonest with themselves. And as a result of the world we live in, where we are taught to hold our tongues, be polite, be this or that, they have mastered such behavior like art itself. But it is a functionality meant to create diversion from being seen at the core. Their manipulation toward you, is a manipulation of themselves and the spirit or soul that recognizes the lie cries out within them, which leads to resentment toward you. They then seek to blame you as a result of not looking at their own dishonesty. Nine times out of ten, most narcissists feel inferior within themselves, lack good self esteem, and hide behind the guise of charisma to feel attractive. Their flirtatious nature is what fuels them and feeds their needs as people respond to the openness of their wit and charm. It is not a reflection of their disrespect toward you, but a desperate need in them to be adored-basically in the same way you need to be adored by them.

They aren’t monsters. They are just misled within themselves, usually as a result of mental or even physical abuse as a child. And the key to really breaking them of these patterns, is to give them not only the freedom to be themselves, but also to make it clear to them that one can be loved and cared for within their shortcomings. They don’t have to pretend to be something they are not.They also tend to be over achievers in one breath pushing themselves to fill up the lacking, then grow self entitled to be lazy, through the amount they had pushed themselves previously. It can become a vicious cycle that most often leads them to running, or leaving huge wakes of destruction for those who cared and loved for them.

However, the other side of that coin is the person who becomes a victim of a narcissist, is lacking within and desires the proverbial man on the white horse to save them from the coldness of the world and the feeling of loneliness. Their energy imprint is manifested into the life of the one who is seeking something outside of themselves who have yet to master their own love within. Narcissists are the mechanisms meant to be mirrors of how lost a person can become, when they mislead themselves with a self proclaimed fantasy of who they are, and look for something else to be filled up with. Its the two sides of the same coin. Both the victim and the narcissist are lacking, and are seeking ways to be filled up. They become co-dependent upon one another in a tantric dance of being sustained with platitudes. The narcissist through its ploy, presents itself like a present to be opened, and the victim through its need to be gifted, wined dined, and swept off their feet in the fantasy, always wants the gift-thus perpetuating the illusion.

Contrary to every shameful post about narcissists, they do want to be loved. It is the core of their behavior. But because they have spent most of their energy being everything to all people, they do not know who they and are afraid to even know the person they have always denied. They do not love themselves, and their passive aggressive behavior pushing and pulling is as result of fear and entitlement. They will willingly give of themselves at complete sacrifice, to justify the behavior of selfishness. To them this is balance. And it allows them to feel more like the victim who gave too much and is reclaiming themselves.

Understanding this, instead of judging it, or even blaming it, is the key to waking them up to their own behavior. It is also the key to you as the victim awakening to your own creation. That is when you can openly say you are a narcissist, because you want to be everything to all people, appeasing them, so you can receive accolades, praise, and be loved. But by you doing this, you have denied the one person who counts the most-yourself. By being aware that the narcissist is also a victim to themselves, instills a deeper compassion that allows the narcissist to be seen and loved for who they are and not what they believe you want them to be. It opens the door to complete truth and honesty without shame, blame or judgement. The word narcissist just like responsibility isn’t a word of shame, but a word of empowerment, in recognizing behavior that can be changed.

Unfortunately though, most who are in relationship with a narcissist cant get beyond their own emotional reactions the narcissist stirs up as a diversion. Because they are more attached to the fantasy and its too painful to face the reality.

They gave the power to the narcissist willingly, when they invested their worth as a person, by how they are seen through another, and not how they see themselves. The victim then feels hurt, betrayed, manipulated when they learn that the person the narcissist pretended to be, was really just a ploy.

They then have to ask themselves who they are and what is their worth? Was it all a lie? Was it all fabricated bullshit to manipulate me, so they could get what they wanted from me? And the answer to that question is yes. But you as the victim also got what you wanted by believing in the lie-so you too manipulated the truth. I realize in saying this, that’s a hard pill to swallow. But just like any medicine that helps with chronic illness, sometimes recognizing the chronic illness of our self defeating behavior is the key to healing. The key to empowerment of self love.

That’s when the victim or the person in the relationship has to ask themselves did they fall in love with the narcissist – the make believe person that was created by both, through expectation, preconceptions, myths, illusion and fantasy? And did they fall in love with the narcissist, because the narcissist gave them the power they were lacking to love themselves? And further still, are they willing to love the real person, or are they still in love with the fantasy?

These are the questions I had to ask myself. I can recognize myself as both the narcissist and the victim. I have been both, in various relationships and in reality the victim whether they want to believe it or not, is just as much as a narcissist as the narcissist is themselves. They both need to be filled up. For me I needed the fantasy of what a man was, because my childhood through sexual and physical abused only showed me the ugliness of what a man represented. I needed the fantasy because the only way I could find healing, was by not hating men. Once I outgrew the fantasy, and instead desired the love of myself, I understood why the narcissist in me, desired the narcissist in another.

But the reality is that both the victim and the Narcissist are responsible for the fantasy they desired and created. It is only when they both desire the reality and not the fantasy, that both find the way to truly loving who they are from within.

I wrote this because in recognizing yourself as both roles, brings equanimity, without shame and blame, and vanishes the role victim, attacker, as it becomes one and the same. Then you really have the tools to choosing different behaviors, different ways to feel whole, and instead of looking for that perfect person, or that one person, you understand you can find the same feeling, by seeing the worth of everything you do. Their is a freedom granted where a realignment happens, and the fog clears. All mechanisms to regain yourself through the fall, and the true healing begins.. It never is having to face real questions about yourself and that is the only way you can, by not blaming-but owning..

Misty Dawn

Much love peeps

Testimonials of the heart ?

Image: Adobe

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